Connection
by jesouhaite47
Summary: I am. Used to it, I mean. Being alone." One-shot. (DerekMeredith)


**Title:** Connection  
**Pairing:** Derek/Meredith  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Spoilers:** Nope.  
**Summary:** _I am. Used to it, I mean. Being alone._  
**Disclaimer:** Oh, how I wish Dr. Derek were mine.  
**Author's Note:** Huge thanks to **ciachick711** and **carrielh** for the beta, and convincing me that for a first fic, this doesn't suck. And though they may never read it, I also have to thank **sosmitten** and **ecouteuse**. They don't know it, but without them, I probably never would have had the guts to attempt to write something on my own.

Feedback will be cherished. Just...be gentle – it's my first time.

* * *

You knew it was inevitable. Since that first day in the stairwell at Grace, you knew you could only resist for so long. Eventually, you and Derek would end up in bed together. You held out longer than you thought would, but he was, simply, irresistible. He wore you down with his charm, with his intelligence, with the kindness and compassion that he offers to everyone around him. He wore you down without even trying until one day you just couldn't say no any longer.

Sex with Derek is. . . you don't know that words exist that could describe sex with Derek. It's amazing and intense and fun, and you never knew it was possible for anything to feel so good. As good as the sex is, though, it's these quiet moments after, tangled together in the middle of his big bed, that you enjoy the most.

You're lying on your sides, facing each other, legs entwined underneath the sheets, hands clasped in the small space between your chests. Derek's eyes are closed and his lips are turned up in the hint of a sated smile. You'd think he was dozing if it wasn't for the slow stroking of his thumb across the back of your hand. You close your eyes and are starting to drift when his soft voice breaks the silence.

"Meredith?"

"Hmmm?" you respond sleepily.

"Can I ask you something?"

Your eyes open at that and see that his are open now as well, a more serious expression on his face than the sleepy smile of a few moments ago. "Sure," and though you're anything but, you find the warmth of his gaze comforting.

"That first night – at the bar – why did you take me home with you?"

"I would think that would be obvious," you tease, hoping to ward off a serious conversation with the humor in your tone.

"I'm serious, Meredith." And from the look on his face and the tone of his voice, you know that he is. "I mean, obviously, we slept together. I know that part of it. What I don't understand... I guess what I'm asking... It's just – you don't seem like the type to get drunk and pick up an anonymous guy at a bar."

"What's wrong with an unattached woman having a one night stand? Women have needs. If I recall, _you_ had an anonymous hook up that night." You don't mean to sound defensive, but you're not sure what he's getting at.

"I didn't say there was anything wrong with it. Hell, I'm all for it. I, for one, am quite pleased with the outcome," he flashes a smug grin before going on. "I'm not criticizing. I've just been thinking about it lately. Knowing you now, it just seems a little – I don't know – out of character."

You're not sure how to respond. You know he's right – drunken, anonymous sex really isn't you. But the motivations behind your actions that night aren't something you're entirely comfortable even thinking about, let alone sharing. It opens an emotional can of worms that's better left closed.

Sensing your hesitation, he reaches up and brushes a lock of hair off your forehead, smiling ruefully. "You don't have to answer. I was just curious."

He starts to roll onto his back, away from you, and something inside you hates the thought of him pulling back, "No. . . It's not. . . What do you mean, out of character?" _Good Meredith, stall for time, ask questions,_ you think.

"You just seem so – reserved, I guess is the best word for it. Not cold, never cold," he's quick to reassure you. "More. . .hesitant to reach out. When I see you at the hospital, with patients or with the other interns, and even here with me, you hold yourself back. The Meredith Grey I've gotten to know doesn't put herself out there. That's not a bad thing, it's just who you are. I'm having trouble reconciling _that_ Meredith Grey with the woman who took me home for a night of wild sex on the living room floor." He says the last with a smile, and even through your discomfort and surprise at how well this man reads you, you can't help a small smile of your own.

"I could ask the same of you, you know. You don't really seem like the one-night stand type either, Dr. Shepherd. Or are you? What made you say yes?" You know deflecting his questions back to him is a coward's way out, but he's right. You do hold yourself back, and opening yourself up to this man is one of the scariest propositions you've ever encountered.

"Besides the fact that you're hot?" He chuckles a bit, but there's an edge to it that you can't quite define. You're not sure, but you think you might have touched a nerve. He rolls to his back and looks toward the ceiling, but before you can retract the question, he continues. "I really don't make a habit of one-night stands. I don't know. . . I guess I was just. . . I'd only been in Seattle a few weeks and I didn't know anyone." He turns his head to look at you, and the openness of his expression makes your chest tighten. "I'm not used to that – being alone. I just wanted to _connect_ with someone, even for a little while."

Now it's your turn to chuckle and look away. Of course he'd understand. This man never ceases to amaze you, and the thought makes your eyes sting a bit. "I am. Used to it, I mean. Being alone. It's getting to the point that I don't remember ever not being alone."

"What are you talking about? You're not alone. You've got your mother. . . friends. . . boyfriends. . ."

His tone, the look in his eyes, snaps something in you, and you interrupt him as the words just begin to spill out. "Derek, my whole life, I've been alone. My father's gone. Even when my mother's there, she's not really _there_. We've just never had that type of relationship. And she was never the best role model of how to be with people. You think I'm reserved – I've got nothing on Ellis Grey. She taught me well, though. The closer someone gets, the more I pull back. And I hate it. I know I'm doing it, and I hate it. So I just stay away. I keep to myself." You pause to take a breath, to collect yourself. You meet his eyes and can't help but see the tenderness there, and it steadies you. "I was terrified about starting my internship and moving back here and with. . . everything else. . . that was going on, I just needed to be with someone. I just needed to not be alone, even if it was only for one night."

He nods and you know he understands. You hold his gaze, terrified that you've shared so much, yet relieved at the same time.

"Come here," he says as he pulls you into his arms and you rest your head on his chest. He lazily strokes your hair and you settle in to sleep. You're starting to drift again when he places a soft kiss on the crown of your head and once again breaks the silence.

"Meredith?"

"Hmmm?"

"You're not alone anymore."

_fin_


End file.
